Sunday, May 12, 2013

Expectations


Today I heard another radio interview with another writer whose book sounded interesting. At first I was sure I was going to add it to my list of books I need to read, but as the interview progressed, I wasn’t so sure it was a book I should read. 

Instead, it started to sound like it might fall into the same category as sad movies, which I now make it a point not to watch. 

Sad movies provoke emotions that a good cry in most people would solve. I have so much pent up inside that sometimes a good cry is only opening a Pandora’s Box. It’s just too hard to put all of those emotions away again. And since they are not emotions about a specific event or tragedy at a specific point in time from which one can heal with lots of good cries, I elect to just not watch sad movies instead. 

This book is about a woman whose life goals and dreams never came to be. The author read the first few paragraphs of the book and I was wowed! It was a rant about her frustration that life had not been what she imagined. It was powerful. It could have been written by me. The author talked about how she wanted to write about anger. 

I stopped looking on iTunes to see if I could find the book. Anger? What if in this book the main character never gets over her anger? Am I sure I want to read this book? Will it set off the same Pandora’s Box of anger that I worry could be unleashed by sad movies? 

It took years, but I’m pretty proud (maybe too much so) of getting to a place in my life where I don’t harbor anger about the way things should have been or the way I should have been treated. Sometimes those feelings rise to the surface, but they are quickly gone. That has taken work. 
It has taken work because indeed I do feel like of all people, I have the right to be pretty pissed off about a lot of things in my life. 

Anger is an okay emotion, only as long as you don’t live there. It’s a place you visit when you need to, but if you live there, it can ruin everything else around it. It can stain the good parts of your life. It can blind you to other blessings and gifts that make the wrongs easier to live with. 

I haven’t decided about whether I will read this book. Perhaps that is why my writing has been so dull lately. Perhaps it is why my stories don’t get off the ground. To get through everyday life I have to leave some of these emotions untapped. To unleash them could cost too much. 

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