Since stopping the antibiotic I’ve been feeling better and haven’t felt like I was going to pass out. That was scary. I’m not real interested in doing that again.
I have been very, very tired, however. Maybe fighting something off? Who knows.
But then last night I was sleeping soundly, even dreaming, until I woke up about 3:30 am gasping for breath.
I seem to have a talent for being able to unfasten all four clasps on my CPAP mask and toss it across the room without ever waking up. Although my current mask is the best one so far, I still have a tendency to do this.
I like to sleep on my side, and I have a feeling that the mask’s seal somehow gets unsealed, and in my sleep I find the escaping air annoying. So, off the mask comes.
When I woke up I was maskless, so I suspect I’d had some kind of apnea event and my body, trying to breathe, woke me up. Just a theory mind you.
The weird thing was I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I was breathing okay, yet I had this feeling like it wasn’t enough. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my rescue inhaler out of my purse, thinking maybe it was an asthma thing? That did seem to help.
But as I sat in bed trying to relax and breathe normally, I had the most horrible thought.
Is this what it might feel like someday if my pulmonary fibrosis gets worse and my lung function is in the crapper?
I used to think about this when I was first “officially” diagnosed with HPS five years ago. But since then I’ve settled down when it comes to anxiety about the future. After my fantastic test results at NIH, I’ve actually been floating on the clouds at the thought that we might be able to stave off this thing for years and years. Just maybe….so far so good.
So why on earth did this horrible, horrible thought pop into my head in the middle of the night?
I’m embarrassed to even admit it, to be honest. How stupid is this? Where did this come from?
I started to feel out of breath again at the thought, but this time I think it was anxiety. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I think I was approaching that territory there in the dark of my bedroom at 3:30 am.
Calm down, you must calm down…you’re making it worse….I thought to myself….you’re being a drama queen….cut it out. Good thoughts…..
I started praying, “Oh Lord, you’ve got to help me calm down. You’ve got to help my brain change the channel….”
I tried to take slower breaths, relax the muscles in my arms and legs. I thought about the lyrics to some of my favorite songs in my head. Calm…..calm……
Today, in the light and sanity of the morning, I’m completely perplexed by this. Why this thought? Where did it come from? And how am I going to make it go away?
I have been very, very tired, however. Maybe fighting something off? Who knows.
But then last night I was sleeping soundly, even dreaming, until I woke up about 3:30 am gasping for breath.
I seem to have a talent for being able to unfasten all four clasps on my CPAP mask and toss it across the room without ever waking up. Although my current mask is the best one so far, I still have a tendency to do this.
I like to sleep on my side, and I have a feeling that the mask’s seal somehow gets unsealed, and in my sleep I find the escaping air annoying. So, off the mask comes.
When I woke up I was maskless, so I suspect I’d had some kind of apnea event and my body, trying to breathe, woke me up. Just a theory mind you.
The weird thing was I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I was breathing okay, yet I had this feeling like it wasn’t enough. I crawled out of bed and grabbed my rescue inhaler out of my purse, thinking maybe it was an asthma thing? That did seem to help.
But as I sat in bed trying to relax and breathe normally, I had the most horrible thought.
Is this what it might feel like someday if my pulmonary fibrosis gets worse and my lung function is in the crapper?
I used to think about this when I was first “officially” diagnosed with HPS five years ago. But since then I’ve settled down when it comes to anxiety about the future. After my fantastic test results at NIH, I’ve actually been floating on the clouds at the thought that we might be able to stave off this thing for years and years. Just maybe….so far so good.
So why on earth did this horrible, horrible thought pop into my head in the middle of the night?
I’m embarrassed to even admit it, to be honest. How stupid is this? Where did this come from?
I started to feel out of breath again at the thought, but this time I think it was anxiety. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I think I was approaching that territory there in the dark of my bedroom at 3:30 am.
Calm down, you must calm down…you’re making it worse….I thought to myself….you’re being a drama queen….cut it out. Good thoughts…..
I started praying, “Oh Lord, you’ve got to help me calm down. You’ve got to help my brain change the channel….”
I tried to take slower breaths, relax the muscles in my arms and legs. I thought about the lyrics to some of my favorite songs in my head. Calm…..calm……
Today, in the light and sanity of the morning, I’m completely perplexed by this. Why this thought? Where did it come from? And how am I going to make it go away?
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