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I hate the mall

I am not my mother’s daughter in many ways, and one of them is that unlike my mom, I HATE the mall. I’m not a big shopper. When my mom comes home from Germany, she typically wants to spend days on end at the malls. I try to tell her that they’re all the same – they’ve got the exact same stores with the exact same merchandise no matter where you go – but she’s convinced that if you visit enough of them, eventually you’ll find something new. Because the exchange rate isn’t to the dollar’s advantage, she’s stocking up for two years. But that’s just her excuse. She truly loves the hunt. I, on the other hand, dread it all year.

Today I made my annual trip to the mall. The list of things I needed was getting scary (expensive) and long. I needed new tops for work, new pants, new dress shoes, new exercise shoes, new night gowns, and new undergarments. Somehow I guess I thought that if I put off going long enough I could get all of these items in one trip. Wrong!

I also thought that on a Sunday afternoon, the mall wouldn’t be too busy. Wrong again.

The place was packed. Anyone who thinks the Midwest isn’t multicultural should visit the mall on a Sunday afternoon. It seemed as if the entire world was there. There was every age, every shape, and every color from the four corners of the world. I heard African languages, Indian languages, Spanish, French and Italian before the day was over.

The crowds were so thick that it was hard to use my cane and not trip anyone.

Had I been there to people watch, I probably would have been content. But I was there to buy clothes. If you’ve ever doubted the existence of hell, I can attest that it exists – it’s the dressing room at JC Penny’s at Oak Park Mall. I’m not kidding – you want fire and brimstone – try a tiny room with NO AIR!

Why do the managers of places like this think that by being economical (stingy) on the air conditioning that they’ll somehow come out better on the bottom line?

I selected a few tops and found what looked like a good deal on a suit – so I went to try them on. I think most women will agree – unless you’re young and slim or supermodelish, trying on clothes is hard work. On one top went, and then another and then another but none of them “just right.” My hair, which had been perfectly combed only an hour before, looked as if I’d just traveled down the highway with my head stuck out the window. The sweat by now was dripping off my nose and running down my legs. I couldn’t take it anymore. Bargains or no bargains, I had to get out of there! (I did get the suit – it wasn’t what I needed for summer, but I got it at 70 percent off!)

By the end of the day I’d only found a few of the items on my list. Apparently I’m more freakishly tall than I realized because in the ENTIRE mall there was not a pair of slacks long enough.

A few hours later, having repeated the clothes on again, off again, routine over and over – I couldn’t get home soon enough.

I dread online shopping because returns are a pain, especially when you don’t drive – but I’m rethinking this. Online shopping is looking really good right now.

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