This past week I’ve had such a hard time sleeping. There are lots of reasons. I need a new CPAP mask and hose and with my current insurance that’s been a hassle. I’ve been so busy at work and I’ve got a pile of insurance issues, doctor calls etc to make. I haven’t had the time to sit on hold and work my way through all this stuff.
I wish I had a day off, like Monday, when everyone else was at work so that I could get some of this stuff done!
Work has been causing me a lot of anxiety – we’re working very long hours and there’s more to do than we have the staff to accomplish. I feel like I don’t breathe all day. Actually, I feel like I’m short of breath all day but I think it’s anxiety.
And then when my brain finally shuts up for the night, I keep having this bad dream.
My NIH trip is coming up.
The last time I was at NIH and got the IUD, they discovered polyps in my uterus that needed to be checked out before we could proceed with the IUD.
The doctors bent over backwards to get me in for an MRI – I mean they really went above and beyond begging on my behalf.
I’d never had an MRI. I’ve heard people talk about how awful that test is and I could never understand how a test that just requires you to lay there could be so bad. I’ve never had closterphobia (although my mother does.).
Suddenly I find myself in this extremely narrow tube and I pretty much had a little anxiety attack. I flipped out to be honest. But, knowing what it took to schedule the test, and knowing that I needed it, there was no way I was backing out.
I laid there counting backwards, doing math problems in my head, anything I could come up with to distract my mind from the fact that I couldn’t move an inch and that the roof of this tube felt like it was only an inch from my nose. It felt like being in a coffin to me.
There is no MRI scheduled for me on my next trip. I don’t know why I’m flipping out about a test that isn’t even scheduled, but I keep dreaming about that darned MRI.
I am staying longer this trip (again) because there is a lump in my breast that Dr. Merideth wants to keep an eye on. They don’t think it’s cancer. We think it’s a calcium deposit discovered several years ago.
But, I’ve been having this problem with these weird bumps that keep showing up on my breasts, getting infected and then leaving behind strange bumps that never go away. Apparently there’s some rare form of cancer that can present in this way and we’ve got to be sure.
If they aren’t able to rule out cancer with a mammogram and a sonogram, then I’m going to have to have a “guided sonogram biopsy.” That sounds like fun.
Maybe that’s why I thinking about MRIs. What are they going to want to image next?
Maybe it’s some kind of subconscious anxiety thing representing my life – that I feel trapped – which is true.
I’ve been trying to think of why that test freaked me out so much, and if I have to have one again I think I’ll just discuss some of that with the docs.
I think it bothered me because I almost never lay flat on my back, even with my CPAP. It can sometimes feel hard to breathe when I lay on my back.
I have bad reflux sometimes, and if I lay on my back it can come up and feel like I need to throw up. It can go into my lungs and burn like crazy and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Sometimes if I have an apnea event at night – when the CPAP isn’t on – I feel like I wake up and I’m not breathing – that I need to sit up and kick my body into gear.
The idea of being in that tube that is so narrow that I couldn’t even scramble out if I wanted because I can’t even bend my knees to get any leverage feels scary to me. It’s so loud – would anyone even notice or hear me if I was in trouble?
They said try to fall asleep to get through it – but I’m afraid to fall asleep in there.
I wish I had a day off, like Monday, when everyone else was at work so that I could get some of this stuff done!
Work has been causing me a lot of anxiety – we’re working very long hours and there’s more to do than we have the staff to accomplish. I feel like I don’t breathe all day. Actually, I feel like I’m short of breath all day but I think it’s anxiety.
And then when my brain finally shuts up for the night, I keep having this bad dream.
My NIH trip is coming up.
The last time I was at NIH and got the IUD, they discovered polyps in my uterus that needed to be checked out before we could proceed with the IUD.
The doctors bent over backwards to get me in for an MRI – I mean they really went above and beyond begging on my behalf.
I’d never had an MRI. I’ve heard people talk about how awful that test is and I could never understand how a test that just requires you to lay there could be so bad. I’ve never had closterphobia (although my mother does.).
Suddenly I find myself in this extremely narrow tube and I pretty much had a little anxiety attack. I flipped out to be honest. But, knowing what it took to schedule the test, and knowing that I needed it, there was no way I was backing out.
I laid there counting backwards, doing math problems in my head, anything I could come up with to distract my mind from the fact that I couldn’t move an inch and that the roof of this tube felt like it was only an inch from my nose. It felt like being in a coffin to me.
There is no MRI scheduled for me on my next trip. I don’t know why I’m flipping out about a test that isn’t even scheduled, but I keep dreaming about that darned MRI.
I am staying longer this trip (again) because there is a lump in my breast that Dr. Merideth wants to keep an eye on. They don’t think it’s cancer. We think it’s a calcium deposit discovered several years ago.
But, I’ve been having this problem with these weird bumps that keep showing up on my breasts, getting infected and then leaving behind strange bumps that never go away. Apparently there’s some rare form of cancer that can present in this way and we’ve got to be sure.
If they aren’t able to rule out cancer with a mammogram and a sonogram, then I’m going to have to have a “guided sonogram biopsy.” That sounds like fun.
Maybe that’s why I thinking about MRIs. What are they going to want to image next?
Maybe it’s some kind of subconscious anxiety thing representing my life – that I feel trapped – which is true.
I’ve been trying to think of why that test freaked me out so much, and if I have to have one again I think I’ll just discuss some of that with the docs.
I think it bothered me because I almost never lay flat on my back, even with my CPAP. It can sometimes feel hard to breathe when I lay on my back.
I have bad reflux sometimes, and if I lay on my back it can come up and feel like I need to throw up. It can go into my lungs and burn like crazy and I feel like I can’t breathe.
Sometimes if I have an apnea event at night – when the CPAP isn’t on – I feel like I wake up and I’m not breathing – that I need to sit up and kick my body into gear.
The idea of being in that tube that is so narrow that I couldn’t even scramble out if I wanted because I can’t even bend my knees to get any leverage feels scary to me. It’s so loud – would anyone even notice or hear me if I was in trouble?
They said try to fall asleep to get through it – but I’m afraid to fall asleep in there.
Comments
Julei
They do have standing MRI's and open MRI's...but not at the NIH?